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Usually we think about children as a source of trouble and additional load, and not as real assistants. It seems to us: introducing them to household matters requires so much effort that it is better not to. In fact, we, by our own negligence, lose excellent partners in their person. Psychologist Peter Gray explains how to fix it.
We think that the only way to make children help us is coercion. In order for the child to get into the room, washed the dishes or hang wet underwear, he will have to force him, alternating bribery and threats, which we would not like. Where do you get these thoughts from? Obviously, from my own ideas about work as something that I do not want to do. We broadcast this look for our children, and they are their children.
But the
studies prove that the smallest children by nature want to help. And if they are allowed, they will continue to do this further, in adulthood. Here are some evidence.In a classic study conducted more than 35 years ago, the psychologist Harriet Reingold watched how children at the age of 18, 24 and 30 months interacted with their parents when they were engaged in ordinary housework: they stacked the linen, wiped dust, mixed the floor, cleaned the dishes from the table oritems scattered on the floor.
According to the experiment, the parents worked relatively slowly and allowed the child to help if he wanted, but did not ask about it;did not teach, did not instruct what to do. As a result, all children – 80 people – voluntarily helped parents. Moreover, some started a particular task before adults themselves. According to Reingold, the kids worked “energetically, enthusiastically, with lively facial expressions and were delighted when they completed the assignments”.
Many other studies confirm this, apparently universal, the desire of the kids to help. In almost every case, the child comes to the aid of the adult himself, on his own initiative, without waiting for a request. All that the parent needs to do is simply attract the child’s attention to the fact that he is trying to do something. By the way, children show themselves as genuine altruists-they do not act for the sake of any reward.
Researchers Felix Varneken and Michael Thomasello (2008) even found that a reward (for example, the opportunity to play with an attractive toy) reduces subsequent assistance. Only 53% of children who received a reward for their participation helped adults later – in comparison with 89% of children who did not encourage. These results indicate that children have internal, not external motivation to help-that is, they help because they want to be useful, and not because they expect to get something for it.
Many other experiments confirmed that the remuneration undermines internal motivation. Apparently, it changes our attitude to the lesson, which previously gave us pleasure in itself, now we are making it primarily in order to get a retribution. This happens both in adults and in children.
What prevents us from attracting children to household matters just like that? All parents understand the reason for this erroneous behavior. Firstly, we refuse children who are eager to help because of a hurry. We are always in a hurry somewhere and believe that the child’s participation will slow down the whole process or he will do it wrong, not well enough and we will have to redo everything. Secondly, when we really need to attract it, we offer some kind of deal for this, a reward.
In the first case, we inform him that he is not able to help, and in the second we broadcast a harmful idea: help is what a person will do only if he receives something in return.
Studying the communities of indigenous peoples, the researchers found that parents in these communities react positively to the desires of their kids to help and willingly allow them, even when “help” slows down their rhythm of life. But by the time when children are 5-6 years old, they are becoming truly effective and voluntary assistants. The word “partner” is even more suitable here, because children behave as if they are responsible for family affairs to the same extent as parents.
To illustrate, we will quote comments on mothers of 6-8-year-old children from the indigenous population in Guadalahara (Mexico) who describe the activities of their children: “There are days when she comes home and says:“ Mom, I’m going to help you do everything ”. And voluntarily removes the whole house. Or so: “Mom, you came home very tired, let’s get out together. Includes the radio and says: “You do one thing, and I will do something else”. I sweep the kitchen, and she is cleaned in the room “.
“Everyone knows what he needs to do at home, and without waiting for my reminders, my daughter tells me:“ Mom, I just returned from school, I want to visit my grandmother, but before I leave, I will finish my work ”. She finishes, and then leaves “. In general, mothers from the communities of indigenous peoples described their children as capable, independent, initiative partners. Most of their children themselves planned their own day, deciding when they work, play, do homework, visit relatives and friends.
These studies show that children who are free in the choice of activities and are less “controlled” by parents make the greatest contribution to the welfare of the family.
You want the child to become the same responsible member of the family as you? Then you have to do the following:
